shroom_boi (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
shroom_boi) wrote2019-04-23 09:13 pm
shroom_boi) wrote2019-04-23 09:13 pm
Entry tags:
international rabbit day and other tales
'sup. hello.
things have happened as well as stuff!
i finished the shadowrun mission the week before last - we were still in hamburg and after threatening someone and semi-legally acquiring a boat we then had to fight some people and a ghost and then some mages and also more very dangerous worms and it was once again great fun! i really like that the character i play is somewhat essential in that she's the one to control all vehicles because it makes me feel important :D tho i am a little worried that i bullied the darkelf mage too much, but oh well. i do get on pretty well with the actual player, so it's probs alright. i hope. i'll try to tone it down.
unfortunately it seems like the gm won't gm for a while, so the darkelf mage's player is actually gm'ing this week and we'll probably build characters rather than actually playing much bc the entire rest of the party is all very new players, so it'll also help us get into the game dynamics more, which is great! plus building characters is actually fun!
i'll def have to try to sit next to that one girl who plays the other elf bc she's my new best irl friend (we talked once for an hour so we're besties now) (ok no also we'll meet up to write together next weekend bc she's writing a novel as well), bc that'll be fun and we can do a ~creative process~ together. or something. shush i don't know either!
i do kinda sorta want to build the oc i already have in shadowrun, but she's based very heavily on the character i've played so far cause i'm... stupid and uncreative aljsdkfhajldf so that might be too obvious and i'll have to think of something or someone else. maybe a yang or nora inspired one... hmm.
in other roleplaying news, i might join an rp here on discord bc the friend of a friend mentioned it and it did seem kinda cool. i'm also scared of figuring out how it actually works because i still don't really understand dreamwidth and,,,,, ok tbh i mean i am studying medicine and i'm writing a novel and i'm trying to get fit and i'm doing shadowrun and i have so many friends atm to talk with and i also have that uhh depression thingy and so forth so i have a lot less time and a lot less energy for stuff than regular people, so i'm worried it'll take up too much of my time, so i guess if i am going to join that i'll try to make specific timeslots to make sure i don't interact too much and don't abandon the stuff that's actually important to me because... y e a h i don't want to live that much on the internet again tbh. especially since shadowrun seems to be becoming a regular and continuous thing, and then i'll be doing karate again hopefully, and i just... want to have actual irl hobbies and maybe some internet stuff alongside, but m a n i don't want to live my life sequestered inside, exclusively on the internet bc i'm too lazy to find irl stuff to do.
rant? yes, maybe askjdfhkasdf
in writing news - sunrises is being s l o w. i guess this is the actual writing, where you have to write and where it's work and it's not all fun and games and you just gotta get the story out and have a first draft so that you can then shape it into what you want it to be. i'll most likely really be able to finish it on time for that wip bigbang and i know i have to post it then, but i'll definitely edit it afterwards. sometime. eventually. in summer.
there's so much to change........... g o d
also i may have gone on a lotr reread (and rewatch) and i think the obsession is back in full force. i have actually gotten out my elvish dictionary and grammar booklet again and i've created a few sentences in sindarin and even though i won't learn the language atm because i just have wayyyyy too much on my plate, i definitely want to learn it someday. also i seriously found so much new appreciation for the lotr books. they are SO well written and the characterisation is so good and tolkien really does a lot of very subtle things that i don't see other authors do that make his stories come alive so well. plus there's also the bit about how incredibly deep his world is, and you feel that while reading. and since the books aren't awfully long, the many descriptions and the relatively slow pace doesn't really matter, since many events aren't mentioned in too great detail. overall, they're just... really good books.
and then the movies are just as exceptional, and even though they're naturally much more superficial than the books, they're as deep for movies as the books are for books. i also watched a lot more making ofs and i'm still very blown away by how much work went into those movies but also how much enthusiasm.
also i may or may not have cried. several times.
also i still have a crush on legolas. yes. i know. shut up.
reading lotr got me back into reading in general, so now i'm almost finished with oathbringer and then i also read carmilla, though that one was a LOT worse than i had been led to believe. but anyways, i'll hopefully stick with the reading some more, because that is nice!
---
currently i'm on my last full day of vacation, visiting my family on their vacation in northern germany on a farm. it's overally quite nice, seeing how we've been to that place every year for the past .... 13? years. i get on great with my mom and my second sister and usually with my dad too. it's just the first sister who's... an issue. i'd almost want to say that she's got bpd except her mood can completely flip with in mere moments, but tbh i mostly think that she's just a bitch. and yeah, she's in her last year of school now so she's stressed and she has way too many hobbies that demand way too much of her and her expectations for herself are way too high but... g o d no she's also just a bitch and cannot stand people living a life that isn't dominated by her ideas. it kind of hurts because she used to be my favourite sister and we have a lot of similar interests, but i just can't stand her attitude. and also i mean she isn't the least bit interested in me or my stuff, but i'm welcome to listen to her stuff whenever she fancies talking about herself, so... yeah, there's that. and i'm still surprised and hurt by her attitude whenever i come visit my family, but i guess i just have to get used to it and have to break off the contact to her more.
because seriously, i started a new hobby recently and my second sister, who's always somewhere else mentally and who only lives for the day, actually went and asked me a lot of very interested questions, and the first sister just got up and left after five minutes, after she realised the conversation was going to not be about her. also all conversations that aren't about her get turned to be about her, which is just... so exhausting and so boring because there isn't that much to say about always the same topic.
so instead i now want to try to keep better in contact with the second sister, cause we might not have too similar interests but we're otherwise pretty similar, also in how we're both rather tolerant of people who are different and how she's becoming a pretty differentiated kid for her age.
i already keep in touch with my mom a lot, so seeing her in person is just an extra bonus, and my dad is... well. a dad :D
but overall it's really nice to be here again, because this is the literal ass-end of nowhere and it's super peaceful and the owners of the farm are super nice and every morning there's pony riding, so we already get a morning walk, and then the rest of the time there's just n o t h i n g to do and you can just sit around and read in the sun all day or go for a walk somewhere else or visit the nearest tiny town or go pet some horses.
they also have TON of ponies now. eighteen, i think? and one of them is so old he's allowed to roam freely and then he'll just wait around the gate to be let in if he wants to be... or he just jumps over the fence somewhere because apparently that's still possible for him. the ponies are all too small for me to ride, but they're just cute anyways. then there are also six goats and a bunch of chickens and a dog and cats and bunnies and pigs, so it's a proper farm, and then the family also does some actual agriculture so there's also big machinery around and overall it's just really nice here. i really hope i'll one day be able to come on my own / with my own family/friends because it's an absolute minimum of stress :>
also it just once again shows me that living in the country permanently would be awful for me.
today, my mom and i visited the nearest city, which has like... 10k inhabitants and lives almost exclusively off of tourism and probably agriculture as well. there's basically nothing to do, except we went and got shoes for me, which they even had in my size (which is something really special bc i have large feeters) (AND i liked the shoes too, which is also something really special, bc i'm a picky lil bitch), and then we walked down to the harbour, walked around some more, got really cold, walked into a bookstore where i was really surprised to find out that this tiny bookstore in this tiny backwards city even had one shelf with english books! and they were pretty up to date books! that's pretty damn awesome.
we also got some tea for me... and then we left, because there was literally nothing else to do.
upside: i got free shit. especially shoes, because i don't enjoy buying shoes because they're expensive. more expensive than tea, at any rate.
downside: none :3
i am already heading back tomorrow though. which is partly sad because i enjoy not having anything to do, but also i miss my schedule and being able to do stuff my own way and studying and just having my own space... and nobody who'll snap at me for making an older in-joke or saying something unfunny or whatever. seriously, i do NOT know what my sister's deal is but she can go fuck herself, honestly.
BUT then there's also the thing that the husband invades late wednesday next week, which is super exciting and which i'm also scared of because even tho we've known each other for two years we've also never met and he's one of my two best friends and i do want him to like me irl too and i think he will but at the same time hmmmmm Concern. i also still need to think of things we can do and i also uhh... kinda.... sorta... need to clean my place and talk with the landlady about some stuff that needs fixing so i guess all that is happening as well.
another big change is also that i'm gonna go on antidepressants or similar meds, assuming that my bloodwork is okay. which is really scary because a) my bloodwork could ofc not be okay, which would mean that my body isn't okay, which would be bad bc i would prefer if the meat suit did its thing seeing how the brain is already busted and b) idk it's just scary. i want to go on meds, obviously, otherwise i wouldn't have gone to the doctor's in the first place, but mm. scary. also because then i'll also need meds that actually work well for me and i hope i'll quickly find the right ones and all that works smoothly.
then i also have a bunch of other health care stuff that i really should do and,,,,, yanno,,,, can't i just study medicine instead of having to receive it?
otoh i've been procrastinating that for way too long, so i think imma give myself until the hubby has uninvaded and then i'll tackle that. lead by example or some shit.
please i just wanna be less depressed and have more energy to do stuff and less anxiety and more self-control and self-discipline.
i'm also kind of thinking now to do daily logs on here, just to see how well i'm usually doing and where i need to improve myself more etc but also that's a lot of effort and i don't know whether i will be able to pull this through and whether i shouldn't maybe think of a better way to apply myself. but at the same time i feel like i do need a better way to actually log my life just to improve, so.... eh. we shall see.
i did step back from habitica for now though and got a different app for to do lists and stuff because i already did everything i can do in it, so the rewards don't really work for me anymore, and if you take those away then it's just a to do list application and there are others that work better. also i'm not wholly happy with the party i'm in there, so.... y e a h i needed a change.
basically i just need to streamline a LOT of shit. i don't have time or energy for so much crap anymore, and now that i've worked and still am working on cutting a lot of that out, i'm beginning to realise how much easier life is and how much more even i with less energy than a normal person can accomplish if i just have... less garbage in my life.
yikes, when did this turn into a rant? :D
anyways, life is going pretty alright but it's kinda crumbling at the corners, so i'm gonna work on that again. seriously, someone make me go to the gym more often pls ;_;
also i feel like writing a lotr rant post tomorrow or something, sooooooooo mmmmmaybe
things have happened as well as stuff!
i finished the shadowrun mission the week before last - we were still in hamburg and after threatening someone and semi-legally acquiring a boat we then had to fight some people and a ghost and then some mages and also more very dangerous worms and it was once again great fun! i really like that the character i play is somewhat essential in that she's the one to control all vehicles because it makes me feel important :D tho i am a little worried that i bullied the darkelf mage too much, but oh well. i do get on pretty well with the actual player, so it's probs alright. i hope. i'll try to tone it down.
unfortunately it seems like the gm won't gm for a while, so the darkelf mage's player is actually gm'ing this week and we'll probably build characters rather than actually playing much bc the entire rest of the party is all very new players, so it'll also help us get into the game dynamics more, which is great! plus building characters is actually fun!
i'll def have to try to sit next to that one girl who plays the other elf bc she's my new best irl friend (we talked once for an hour so we're besties now) (ok no also we'll meet up to write together next weekend bc she's writing a novel as well), bc that'll be fun and we can do a ~creative process~ together. or something. shush i don't know either!
i do kinda sorta want to build the oc i already have in shadowrun, but she's based very heavily on the character i've played so far cause i'm... stupid and uncreative aljsdkfhajldf so that might be too obvious and i'll have to think of something or someone else. maybe a yang or nora inspired one... hmm.
in other roleplaying news, i might join an rp here on discord bc the friend of a friend mentioned it and it did seem kinda cool. i'm also scared of figuring out how it actually works because i still don't really understand dreamwidth and,,,,, ok tbh i mean i am studying medicine and i'm writing a novel and i'm trying to get fit and i'm doing shadowrun and i have so many friends atm to talk with and i also have that uhh depression thingy and so forth so i have a lot less time and a lot less energy for stuff than regular people, so i'm worried it'll take up too much of my time, so i guess if i am going to join that i'll try to make specific timeslots to make sure i don't interact too much and don't abandon the stuff that's actually important to me because... y e a h i don't want to live that much on the internet again tbh. especially since shadowrun seems to be becoming a regular and continuous thing, and then i'll be doing karate again hopefully, and i just... want to have actual irl hobbies and maybe some internet stuff alongside, but m a n i don't want to live my life sequestered inside, exclusively on the internet bc i'm too lazy to find irl stuff to do.
rant? yes, maybe askjdfhkasdf
in writing news - sunrises is being s l o w. i guess this is the actual writing, where you have to write and where it's work and it's not all fun and games and you just gotta get the story out and have a first draft so that you can then shape it into what you want it to be. i'll most likely really be able to finish it on time for that wip bigbang and i know i have to post it then, but i'll definitely edit it afterwards. sometime. eventually. in summer.
there's so much to change........... g o d
also i may have gone on a lotr reread (and rewatch) and i think the obsession is back in full force. i have actually gotten out my elvish dictionary and grammar booklet again and i've created a few sentences in sindarin and even though i won't learn the language atm because i just have wayyyyy too much on my plate, i definitely want to learn it someday. also i seriously found so much new appreciation for the lotr books. they are SO well written and the characterisation is so good and tolkien really does a lot of very subtle things that i don't see other authors do that make his stories come alive so well. plus there's also the bit about how incredibly deep his world is, and you feel that while reading. and since the books aren't awfully long, the many descriptions and the relatively slow pace doesn't really matter, since many events aren't mentioned in too great detail. overall, they're just... really good books.
and then the movies are just as exceptional, and even though they're naturally much more superficial than the books, they're as deep for movies as the books are for books. i also watched a lot more making ofs and i'm still very blown away by how much work went into those movies but also how much enthusiasm.
also i may or may not have cried. several times.
also i still have a crush on legolas. yes. i know. shut up.
reading lotr got me back into reading in general, so now i'm almost finished with oathbringer and then i also read carmilla, though that one was a LOT worse than i had been led to believe. but anyways, i'll hopefully stick with the reading some more, because that is nice!
---
currently i'm on my last full day of vacation, visiting my family on their vacation in northern germany on a farm. it's overally quite nice, seeing how we've been to that place every year for the past .... 13? years. i get on great with my mom and my second sister and usually with my dad too. it's just the first sister who's... an issue. i'd almost want to say that she's got bpd except her mood can completely flip with in mere moments, but tbh i mostly think that she's just a bitch. and yeah, she's in her last year of school now so she's stressed and she has way too many hobbies that demand way too much of her and her expectations for herself are way too high but... g o d no she's also just a bitch and cannot stand people living a life that isn't dominated by her ideas. it kind of hurts because she used to be my favourite sister and we have a lot of similar interests, but i just can't stand her attitude. and also i mean she isn't the least bit interested in me or my stuff, but i'm welcome to listen to her stuff whenever she fancies talking about herself, so... yeah, there's that. and i'm still surprised and hurt by her attitude whenever i come visit my family, but i guess i just have to get used to it and have to break off the contact to her more.
because seriously, i started a new hobby recently and my second sister, who's always somewhere else mentally and who only lives for the day, actually went and asked me a lot of very interested questions, and the first sister just got up and left after five minutes, after she realised the conversation was going to not be about her. also all conversations that aren't about her get turned to be about her, which is just... so exhausting and so boring because there isn't that much to say about always the same topic.
so instead i now want to try to keep better in contact with the second sister, cause we might not have too similar interests but we're otherwise pretty similar, also in how we're both rather tolerant of people who are different and how she's becoming a pretty differentiated kid for her age.
i already keep in touch with my mom a lot, so seeing her in person is just an extra bonus, and my dad is... well. a dad :D
but overall it's really nice to be here again, because this is the literal ass-end of nowhere and it's super peaceful and the owners of the farm are super nice and every morning there's pony riding, so we already get a morning walk, and then the rest of the time there's just n o t h i n g to do and you can just sit around and read in the sun all day or go for a walk somewhere else or visit the nearest tiny town or go pet some horses.
they also have TON of ponies now. eighteen, i think? and one of them is so old he's allowed to roam freely and then he'll just wait around the gate to be let in if he wants to be... or he just jumps over the fence somewhere because apparently that's still possible for him. the ponies are all too small for me to ride, but they're just cute anyways. then there are also six goats and a bunch of chickens and a dog and cats and bunnies and pigs, so it's a proper farm, and then the family also does some actual agriculture so there's also big machinery around and overall it's just really nice here. i really hope i'll one day be able to come on my own / with my own family/friends because it's an absolute minimum of stress :>
also it just once again shows me that living in the country permanently would be awful for me.
today, my mom and i visited the nearest city, which has like... 10k inhabitants and lives almost exclusively off of tourism and probably agriculture as well. there's basically nothing to do, except we went and got shoes for me, which they even had in my size (which is something really special bc i have large feeters) (AND i liked the shoes too, which is also something really special, bc i'm a picky lil bitch), and then we walked down to the harbour, walked around some more, got really cold, walked into a bookstore where i was really surprised to find out that this tiny bookstore in this tiny backwards city even had one shelf with english books! and they were pretty up to date books! that's pretty damn awesome.
we also got some tea for me... and then we left, because there was literally nothing else to do.
upside: i got free shit. especially shoes, because i don't enjoy buying shoes because they're expensive. more expensive than tea, at any rate.
downside: none :3
i am already heading back tomorrow though. which is partly sad because i enjoy not having anything to do, but also i miss my schedule and being able to do stuff my own way and studying and just having my own space... and nobody who'll snap at me for making an older in-joke or saying something unfunny or whatever. seriously, i do NOT know what my sister's deal is but she can go fuck herself, honestly.
BUT then there's also the thing that the husband invades late wednesday next week, which is super exciting and which i'm also scared of because even tho we've known each other for two years we've also never met and he's one of my two best friends and i do want him to like me irl too and i think he will but at the same time hmmmmm Concern. i also still need to think of things we can do and i also uhh... kinda.... sorta... need to clean my place and talk with the landlady about some stuff that needs fixing so i guess all that is happening as well.
another big change is also that i'm gonna go on antidepressants or similar meds, assuming that my bloodwork is okay. which is really scary because a) my bloodwork could ofc not be okay, which would mean that my body isn't okay, which would be bad bc i would prefer if the meat suit did its thing seeing how the brain is already busted and b) idk it's just scary. i want to go on meds, obviously, otherwise i wouldn't have gone to the doctor's in the first place, but mm. scary. also because then i'll also need meds that actually work well for me and i hope i'll quickly find the right ones and all that works smoothly.
then i also have a bunch of other health care stuff that i really should do and,,,,, yanno,,,, can't i just study medicine instead of having to receive it?
otoh i've been procrastinating that for way too long, so i think imma give myself until the hubby has uninvaded and then i'll tackle that. lead by example or some shit.
please i just wanna be less depressed and have more energy to do stuff and less anxiety and more self-control and self-discipline.
i'm also kind of thinking now to do daily logs on here, just to see how well i'm usually doing and where i need to improve myself more etc but also that's a lot of effort and i don't know whether i will be able to pull this through and whether i shouldn't maybe think of a better way to apply myself. but at the same time i feel like i do need a better way to actually log my life just to improve, so.... eh. we shall see.
i did step back from habitica for now though and got a different app for to do lists and stuff because i already did everything i can do in it, so the rewards don't really work for me anymore, and if you take those away then it's just a to do list application and there are others that work better. also i'm not wholly happy with the party i'm in there, so.... y e a h i needed a change.
basically i just need to streamline a LOT of shit. i don't have time or energy for so much crap anymore, and now that i've worked and still am working on cutting a lot of that out, i'm beginning to realise how much easier life is and how much more even i with less energy than a normal person can accomplish if i just have... less garbage in my life.
yikes, when did this turn into a rant? :D
anyways, life is going pretty alright but it's kinda crumbling at the corners, so i'm gonna work on that again. seriously, someone make me go to the gym more often pls ;_;
also i feel like writing a lotr rant post tomorrow or something, sooooooooo mmmmmaybe